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Well, I’m working on my character I guess.
I’m on restricted activity for three weeks after minor complications in the bumpy road of pregnancy.
I’m 22 weeks now, so I have a long way to go still. 4 more months. Just half way through.
I know I have a tendency to overdo it. I have to STOP it. I need to change who I am – each pregnancy teaches me something. I became a MOM with number one, surrendering so much that cannot be named. I lost a lot of my urge to control everything with number two and now I guess I’m learning patience. I have to be patient with my body; it’s lack of energy, need to rest, desires to just sit back and watch the other two kids do what they do.
I always have a list of things to accomplish, in addition to daily living chores. It is hard to let that go and just try to keep up with our daily needs now. I hear my body; I just think I can make it bend to my desires, accomplish all I need it to and still grow a baby. My body has let me know otherwise, forcing me to be in the now. According to my body: this baby making leaves little energy for anything else…thinking included. It’s preparing me 4 months early for what will come upon the arrival of our newest child. I just wish the it could wait till I’m done with everything first.
I am having a hard time with trusting lately.
Trusting my body to have an uncomplicated pregnancy after being on bedrest last time.
Trusting the universe to provide for us since I can’t just jump up and get a job right now if I needed to.
These two things probably affect one another too. I don’t want my worries financial to affect my worries physical or vice versa. UGH!
My first pregnancy was super easy. I threw up everytime I brushed my teeth or smelled building materials for about 10 weeks. Predictable and easy to manage or get to a bathroom in time at least. I mountain biked through my second trimester. I worked full time the whole time. Craved root beer, lemonade, chocolate ice cream, steak and Schlotsky’s sandwiches. I worked until the day I went into labor (my day off). I saved 1/2 my pay for the entire pregnancy to pay for everything while I took a maternity leave. Then, I went back to work.
BUT…when I was preggo with number 2 things changed. I was about to start a new job when suddenly, my body checked out the day of an important interview and left me with the ultimatum of baby or job. So, I was on bedrest for months after a 4 day hospital stay for pre-term labor at 22 or 23 weeks pregnant. I was on bedrest then for the next 13 or so weeks. Almost four months on a couch was not part of the plan financially or otherwise.
My husband had to become full-time breadwinner; I had to surrender to what was to be. I had to develop some trust. We weren’t in the best financial shape, but things worked out. I did what I had to do: I really dedicated myself to keeping the baby put until I could birth naturally and at home. This is what eventually happened (and beautifully too). Again, I went back to work full-time after 3 months to get us back on firm financial ground.
Trust was easy when I quit to become a stay at home mom because everything was just happening in our lives to show us the way. Opportunities would just appear! We knew we were following the right path daily.
So, after a year and a half of smooth sailing here I am almost 22 weeks pregnant and the financial worries are coinciding with that again. I know better than to push myself and try to do both.
In my mind at least, I saw our situation as: We’re making it on one salary…most families are stretched on two. If need be, I could always go back to work and we’d be balancing it all out nicely. If need be.
If need be…well, now that we are in an If need be type of situation, I am not in a place physically, mentally, energetically to meet that challenge.
I need more trust.
The emotional ride of pregnancy is too much for me sometimes. I am a pretty high strung person without hormonal overload. Last night, I broke a brand new jar of salsa and then somehow lodged a bit of glass in my finger (it is still there). I had to put the kids outside to play (Yes, in 100+ degrees) so that I could sit down and bawl my head off over everything. How am I going to juggle 3 kids? How are we going to afford our mortgage without me going back to work? How can I make art again? Will my life ever feel like mine? Why does someone always want to touch me? Stop touching me!!!!!!
I used to be so strong and now, I’m sitting on the kitchen floor crying over my life and spilled salsa. There is no explaining it. I wish I had a safety net that was there to catch me on this fall. Things are stretched too thin right now. I need to figure out how to get full again.
Rationally, I know this is just part of my pregnancy ride. I need to see it for what it is and just make the choice to follow through with right action. One task at a time. Make a simple list: Read to kids, fold clothes, vaccuum, prepare food, look out a window and drink tea, etc
