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I have been thinking about my relationship with my mom lately.
I’ve been thinking about our relationship probably because she recently went on anti-depressants, which I disagree with. strongly.
My mom is hard for me to describe. As her child, I have a pretty skewed view. She is friendly, can talk with anyone, the grocery store clerks probably know all about my three kids. She dotes on my dad to a fault; it drives me crazy. She likes trees and swimming.
She gets along well with just about anyone, and is pretty non confrontational overall- which is probably why she is now on anti depressants. The whole thing is frustrating to me because I am a person of Action! Do something about it! Change it! Don’t just cover it up….with drugs and pretend it’s all okay. Not only is she not confronting problems, she isn’t sure what the problems might be…and that is because she does not know what she wants, likes, or who she is. She is a classic empty nester, except that we’ve been gone for, oh, 15 years.
I do not want my daughters so see me like this, or be like this when I am 61. She is too young to be so hopeless in my opinion…maybe my having had children later in life will ‘keep me young’. I don’t know. I do know that this pattern of becoming our mothers must stop in my life NOW.
I see certain mannerisms I have, ways of talking to fill space, needs to control my environment because everything else is beyond my control…that I have from her and it makes me cringe lately.
I’m feeling like some kind of ungrateful kid who doesn’t appreciate everything that was done…but, I think a lot of it was not a sacrifice on her part, it was everything she wanted. I had a great stay at home mom that did everything for us…only, I’m not sure she existed for herself…or if she does now for that matter. It seems she doesn’t know this either.
Once, when I was maybe 13 I overheard my friends criticizing my mom and I wished my mom could be like a normal mom. I hope my daughters don’t want me to be like their friend’s moms. I know I am not a ‘normal mom’ either, but I hope to have my daughters trust. I never really trusted my mom after that. I never quite believed she was a grown up, but just a big kid. Who was she after all, but someone who just read books on raising kids and then applied it to us when the case arose?
She never seemed to have any advice when I asked her, always telling me things like “Look inside yourself and you will find your answer.”
as an adult, I can laugh at this and now, I totally appreciate the way I was raised to be a thinking individual.
I can see that being a mother was a great fulfillment to her, but there has to be something else. I think she has been floating out there for over a decade trying to figure it out. I just don’t think drugs are going to help her find whoever it is she is looking for.
To get out of my own way more often is what I would like.
Not to sound too cheesy, but I want to be more true to myself and feel good about it. I want to be less involved in what I think people think of me, or how I think I may be perceived. It doesn’t matter.
I feel like I’m in 8th grade again or something. Oh, I hate wondering about this, but I do it, obsessively lately. Are the other moms at my son’s preschool going to like me? Am I nice enough? Are they going to judge us on all his hand me down clothes and mine too? Am I going to talk with my southern accent and have them think I am stupid?
and while I’m at it…what do the people that actually know me think?
I think of the words I know I’ll be saying to my own kids, confidence. It’s all about confidence.
Of course, with 3 kids, and their differing schedules, my attempting a start up business that I don’t even know if there is a market for I feel like a failure most days by 10am and it’s down hill from there.
How do I keep my mind from getting pulled into all of this?
I don’t have time, the one thing I crave to get this full time work I’ve set for myself done as well as full time mothering. Last week, the baby got sick and it was just the straw that broke the camels back for me. I felt like I would never get ahead or even caught up. I fell apart…trying to figure out what happened, why did she get sick, why was she running a fever, where did she get something, and need me for 5 whole days ALL THE TIME???
It was hard to step back and see that she is a baby, she gets sick from time to time and we’re all gonna be okay.
I have a lot on my plate that I can’t respond to, get out of or take care of…somehow her sickness got my emotional response to all the things I am not allowed to be upset about right now.
It made me see how much is in there all wound up in a little ball…..I need someone to tell me how to get out of this, I want some grownup to come and hold my hand through this, so I don’t have to stay up until 1am every night trying to work anymore. Trying to reinvent the wheel so my family can have a roof over their heads, food to eat etc. I hate life in cruise control, but this rollercoaster I’m on is too much. I want to slow back down, have company, make home cooked food, spend time being mom to my kids. I could go on and on and on.
I’ve just got to reconcile the 3 different me’s that there are right now. I don’t know how to do it though.
I’ve been taking a break here because I’ve been working hard on the kids art business.
It finally feels good to me so I’m ready to send it out.
Tell me what you think; or even better, submit your child’s artwork. I feel like after several years of purposeful detours that I’m back on track with my heart’s desires.
