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When my life is on shaky ground, my libido evaporates. Maybe everyone’s does, but for me, this is new.
In the past, nothing, and I mean nothing could affect my needs for physical pleasure. It didn’t matter if I was feeling emotionally distant from whoever I was involved with…that was a separate issue to the needs at hand. I used to also say that I didn’t need a man for anything but that one particular thing. I had a good job, hobbies, friends…the one thing I wanted from the guy in my life was a good orgasm and if he couldn’t deliver, well, he was just a friend then.
So, now fast forward 10 or so years, I married the guy that happened to do that one particular thing way better than anyone else ever could have. And now, I can’t get out of my head and back into bed, or wherever it might be likely to happen…the parking lot of the science center, a second grade classroom, church, off the side of the highway…you get the idea.
So, I have some serious ::::NEEDS:::: but everytime I think we might be going somewhere that they might be met…damn, he has to go say something that reminds me of all this shit we are going through financially right now and then I’m stuck in my head and can’t get out. Then the to-do list is running and my list of complaints I have about shit he didn’t do while I was working….that I would have got done if he’d been the one working and I was home all day…
Now, how the hell (without batteries or indiscretions) do I get back to that happy place? Someone tell me, please. I haven’t gone this long since I was single!
hmmmm, It’s 1:19am, I just got home from work, I’ve been up since 6:45am. I’m up drinking beer and eating chips and salsa. I have been making an awful lot of mexican food lately, it’s my comfort food. I grew up in Texas and chips and salsa can be very therapeutic.
I have a hard time living in the present right now…I find myself remembering another me.
and missing art and texas and simplicity of being the artist I was back then.
thinking like an artist and holding little pieces of paper delicately, pondering the way things look and feel. being alive and in love. I want to make myself something. Something small and delicate and beautiful. I need something to hold onto right now. I need to remember what art can be for me, that it can be the way through this. It can be the light at the end of the tunnel right now, a way to take my past through this present.
I’m get nostalgic about texas…mostly because of this:
it reminds me of texas and boots and sex and tequila
Obviously with 3 kids, it would not work, but a girl can dream of a date night only truck, right?
I am starting to try to see myself more like my grandmother than my mother everyday.
I know that she never had much money, but somehow managed to raise 7 kids during the depression, she never raised her voice at them according to my mom, and still my memories of her all revolve around the flowers in her garden and her love of children. I am trying to channel some of her loves for gardening and being a gentle force around my children more these days.
I fear so much in myself lately, so I am looking to her example through the bits I still have, to become someone different and stronger after all of this.
