You are currently browsing the monthly archive for July 2009.
time in a cleaned out studio / where I can actually work
breakfast with someone who likes breakfast and maybe even drinks coffee
an art show that moves me
big luscious paintings
beer and guacamole at midnight in the quiet of my house after work
driving alone with the music loud
to feel loving and patient with my oldest child
to be a better mom these days
to understand why all of this is going on
to move through it gracefully
I think I have finally perfected my state of denial. Things are certainly going to hell and I’m ready with drink in hand. Maybe this would be a good time to drag my camera and photoshop skills out of the closet because when shit falls apart is when the ‘artist’ in me loves life the most. Who knows maybe something good can come out of all this depression, anger and apathy.
I am going thru the motions with my brain in the gutter and desires for everything beautiful and dirty. I have moments where I remember what it was to be the artist and I sometimes wish I could be again. I used to be good, but like with anything, without practice…it’s going to take awhile to get back where I was. I feel like some old athlete or musician. It’s going to be a steep learning curve, but maybe something worth seeing will be at the end of this tunnel. Is it too late to make a come-back or is it just depressing and sad to see at this point? Like someone past their prime having a mid-life crisis with a silly car and new tastes in clothes or music? What kind of art comes out of all this b.s. anyway but narcissistic, self absorbed skills thrown out for an ego stroke? Really, but what is art anyway then, right?
seems to have heated me up too. I’m feeling like an animal in heat these days. My brain has been taken over by S.E.X. It’s a good thing we got that whole reproductive thing taken care of after kid #3.
and it’s not like all of a sudden a bunch of crazy kinky things are happening over here or anything. The Mr. has been out of state working, so we’re barely hitting twice a month over here, but it’s all that I can think about. How did I go from ‘what’s sex?’ in May to ‘can we lock all 3 kids out of our room for like an hour?’ now?
Is it the monsoon season? The heat? The truth to “absence makes the heart grow fonder”? That I am drinking more? The fact that a guy 17 years younger than me flirts with me at work? I dunno….but the combination is apparently working and the switch has been flipped.
Now what to do with all this energy? Since I can’t do it 4x a day like we used to…and. It is way powerful. I forgot how much sexual energy swirls in me since it left even though it was for just a few months that it was gone. It feels overwhelming now. I feel like every single person I talk to can see right through me and know that I am just ooozing sex, dripping sex, looking at any man strictly on a ‘does looking at him do anything for me? basis’ - if I can only properly harness it all I could rearrange this life. Serious manifesting energy swirling. It is all creation energy. I can feel it tangibly, like electricity, bringing my thoughts into reality before I know how things happened, in ways totally unimaginable. (not like all that ‘the secret’ financial crap, but what I really think about….and dang…. instant karma for the kids, flowers from the husband and major psychic hits)
I need to get control, and let go of all control. Trying to take it into the next level, in meditation because I know this energy could be turned around and go up, up, up. But it’s soooo hard when my focus is so physical. My skin on the fabric of my clothes, the feel of every sensation, my breath, my breathing, following my breath. Breathe. Breathe. My mind: “um….breath on my neck”….and back to my breath, but then I feel my tongue in my mouth and my teeth with my tongue and there I go thinking of biting skin and tongues and you get the point… But I feel the potential if I can follow the right road here (which I probably can’t until fall, but then the energy will be different and so will that level of power in me) so for now, for tonight…I need to go wake up my husband. mmmmmm, I hope he doesn’t mind. and if he does ….. I can always try meditation again, but damn it’s fun to have a body this go round.
