time

So much going on I don’t know where to start. How about a little list?

Kid number one – just got her first call back from her first casting call after her first two lines in her first play!

Kid number two – turns four tomorrow, wants a dinosaur he can ride in the backyard for his birthday

Kid number three – took 5 steps today before falling on her well padded behind, grinning.

and the not so exciting stuff- the Mr. is going back to Texas, while my parents are here for Thanksgiving.

We were just there a month ago, yes, for my 20 year reunion, to spend time with my husband’s parents, for the kids to see their grandparents and the grandparents to see them, see the new baby again- She crawls now. It is good for his mom to see the sweet little baby, we hope. His mom, the MIL I have argued with over barbies (which I think we’re giving for Christmas), commercial images on clothing, videos, our choice to homeschool and countless other subjects, is losing her long battle with colon cancer. I’m grateful we were there last month, that my kids spent two nights with them while we went out. Eva confided that they played games on the computer while we were out and she told them not to tell me. Right now I don’t care. Right now, I would happily have arguments for the next 10 years over how we are raising the grandkids. I would happily leave her to play on the computer with her grandmother every night of the week if it was possible. Why don’t we figure this shit out till it’s too late?How important is it if they give my kids donuts for breakfast when we are there and sneak the baby some cookie bits?  You could have told me, I wouldn’t have listened. and now… 2 weeks to 6 months is what is left…

contentment

The only constant is change.
That seems to sum up the last 6 years of my life pretty well, but where will I be in 20?
Why is it that the older we get the less adaptable we become?

Can we train ourselves to embrace change? Even in myself I see this new tendency to stability. I used to pride myself on the fact that I lived in 11 places in 3 years and all that I owned could fit in my truck. I thought that it was cool that the guy I was seeing lived in his truck and showered at the gym. (One of my friends did point out that that technically made me into a homeless guy…and well, I eventually married him too)

So, we’ve been thinking about this whole security thing and our own fear of commitment of youth compared with this desperate desire to plunge roots into the ground of adulthood. I know that some of it is that I have worked hard to get here. I don’t want to sacrifice anything unneccessarily but I don’t want to be holding onto anything out of habit either. 

I think that I would have felt suffocated by all of this when I was younger, but now it fits me. Contentment is starting to mean something different. Sometimes I feel panicky about spending a day doing stuff I vowed I would never be stuck doing, but then I look at the alternatives and I prefer to be where I am. 

Right now, I am starting to clean out my office to make it a bedroom for my almost 4 year old boy. I feel like a mom and I’m getting more okay with that lately

history

Here is a random poem found while cleaning out files. It was written sometime around 1995, I think.

It brought back good memories for me, so I thought I would share it. 
Poetry is not something I do since I’m primarily a visual artist so this is kind of an exception.

 

the dobermans were laughing

with wild abandon

in the back of that old pick up truck

the day before I drove out of Texas

After the poker game

when the money had been exchanged

they invited me to drink tequila with them.

The sun made me forget I was supposed to meet you that night.

Anyway, the sign on the highway said not to drive into smoke

And There were fires everywhere.

Things I can count on in uncertain times

Here is a little list of things I can count on to sooth me in these uncertain times (politically and personally)

1. breakfast of coffee, eggs, toast with marmalade and hash browns

2. giggly children

3. warm husband

4. hugs

5. happy (most of the time) sweet smelling baby

6. nursing the happy sweet smelling baby

7. a hot shower

8. a book to escape into

9. friends to have a glass of (cheap) wine with

10. listening to my 5 yo practice violin

rebellion

Is rebellion part of my nature?

When I have plenty; I live like a pauper.

But, when I have unmet needs and financial insecurities, I have the inclination to eat out, eat unhealthy and do what normally I wouldn’t, spending more on unnecessary items. Why is that?

A 5 year old dreams of God

Here is a rough summary of a dream Eva had last night:

“Mommy, me, Quinny and Talia were walking in front and the sidewalk broke up.”

She tells me that we all ran off, but that she was picking a flower and then, “when I grabbed on, I fell and I started to swim”

(I can’t  get from her if the sidewalk turned into water or if she fell into the water or what, but she was underwater)

“God said, ‘Come over here’ and there was air.”

So, we all went to God, and there was food and water. 

(I asked her if we sat on the ground and she said no, there were tables and that we could have anything we wanted, even cupcakes)

There was a door that we went up through back to our house and “we had to say,”Thank you, Thank you, Thank you” all the time and could go back through.”

 

Then, toward the end of dinner this evening, she sat in her little girl lotus position at the dinner table, closed her eyes and whispered “Thank You, Thank You, Thank You” and then smiled so sweetly to me that I had to join her.

“Thank You Thank You Thank You”

 

 

 

 

thank you for letting me be her mom

a pattern

I have been thinking about my relationship with my mom lately.

I’ve been thinking about our relationship probably because she recently went on anti-depressants, which I disagree with. strongly.
My mom is hard for me to describe. As her child, I have a pretty skewed view. She is friendly, can talk with anyone, the grocery store clerks probably know all about my three kids. She dotes on my dad to a fault; it drives me crazy. She likes trees and swimming.
She gets along well with just about anyone, and is pretty non confrontational overall- which is probably why she is now on anti depressants. The whole thing is frustrating to me because I am a person of Action! Do something about it! Change it! Don’t just cover it up….with drugs and pretend it’s all okay. Not only is she not confronting problems, she isn’t sure what the problems might be…and that is because she does not know what she wants, likes, or who she is. She is a classic empty nester, except that we’ve been gone for, oh, 15 years.

I do not want my daughters so see me like this, or be like this when I am 61. She is too young to be so hopeless in my opinion…maybe my having had children later in life will ‘keep me young’. I don’t know. I do know that this pattern of becoming our mothers must stop in my life NOW.
I see certain mannerisms I have, ways of talking to fill space, needs to control my environment because everything else is beyond my control…that I have from her and it makes me cringe lately.
I’m feeling like some kind of ungrateful kid who doesn’t appreciate everything that was done…but, I think a lot of it was not a sacrifice on her part, it was everything she wanted. I had a great stay at home mom that did everything for us…only, I’m not sure she existed for herself…or if she does now for that matter. It seems she doesn’t know this either.

Once, when I was maybe 13 I overheard my friends criticizing my mom and I wished my mom could be like a normal mom. I hope my daughters don’t want me to be like their friend’s moms. I know I am not a ‘normal mom’ either, but I hope to have my daughters trust. I never really trusted my mom after that. I never quite believed she was a grown up, but just a big kid. Who was she after all, but someone who just read books on raising kids and then applied it to us when the case arose?
She never seemed to have any advice when I asked her, always telling me things like “Look inside yourself and you will find your answer.”
as an adult, I can laugh at this and now, I totally appreciate the way I was raised to be a thinking individual.
I can see that being a mother was a great fulfillment to her, but there has to be something else. I think she has been floating out there for over a decade trying to figure it out. I just don’t think drugs are going to help her find whoever it is she is looking for.

ramblings of sleepy mother

To get out of my own way more often is what I would like.

Not to sound too cheesy, but I want to be more true to myself and feel good about it. I want to be less involved in what I think people think of me, or how I think I may be perceived. It doesn’t matter.
I feel like I’m in 8th grade again or something. Oh, I hate wondering about this, but I do it, obsessively lately. Are the other moms at my son’s preschool going to like me? Am I nice enough? Are they going to judge us on all his hand me down clothes and mine too? Am I going to talk with my southern accent and have them think I am stupid?
and while I’m at it…what do the people that actually know me think?

I think of the words I know I’ll be saying to my own kids, confidence. It’s all about confidence.
Of course, with 3 kids, and their differing schedules, my attempting a start up business that I don’t even know if there is a market for I feel like a failure most days by 10am and it’s down hill from there.

How do I keep my mind from getting pulled into all of this?
I don’t have time, the one thing I crave to get this full time work I’ve set for myself done as well as full time mothering. Last week, the baby got sick and it was just the straw that broke the camels back for me. I felt like I would never get ahead or even caught up. I fell apart…trying to figure out what happened, why did she get sick, why was she running a fever, where did she get something, and need me for 5 whole days ALL THE TIME???
It was hard to step back and see that she is a baby, she gets sick from time to time and we’re all gonna be okay.
I have a lot on my plate that I can’t respond to, get out of or take care of…somehow her sickness got my emotional response to all the things I am not allowed to be upset about right now.
It made me see how much is in there all wound up in a little ball…..I need someone to tell me how to get out of this, I want some grownup to come and hold my hand through this, so I don’t have to stay up until 1am every night trying to work anymore. Trying to reinvent the wheel so my family can have a roof over their heads, food to eat etc. I hate life in cruise control, but this rollercoaster I’m on is too much. I want to slow back down, have company, make home cooked food, spend time being mom to my kids. I could go on and on and on.

I’ve just got to reconcile the 3 different me’s that there are right now. I don’t know how to do it though.

ready to make some new art – for your kids

I’ve been taking a break here because I’ve been working hard on the kids art business.
It finally feels good to me so I’m ready to send it out.
Tell me what you think; or even better, submit your child’s artwork. I feel like after several years of purposeful detours that I’m back on track with my heart’s desires.

oh yeah,

that artwork I mentioned wanting to make here is done and is here.
It is a digital piece; I still want to make a physical piece too. This one is all scanned or photographed…it’s a new way for me to work on a collage and it was fun, but it feels like a proof to me in a way.
We’ll see how this digital one and the tactile one stack up against each other when I get it done.

oh and thanks for all the comments on that one, they really did help. I’m glad I’m not so alone on that, it’s very reassuring.